March 08, 2005
As I predicted: Hannity/Colmes slash. Avert your eyes, children!
Now Jeff at Protein Wisdom is doing an Alan Colmes fantasy series that's veered into the very disturbing. The comments show that the sick bastard has struck some kind of nerve.
Look, people, I'd set up the Cable Talking-Head Slashfic/Fanfic site myself, except I know my anonymity would be blown once the writs start to fly.
Come to think of it, though... I remember reading that slash involving fictional characters is of dubious legality because the rights to the characters are owned by someone. But what if the "characters" are public figures? They're not protected, are they?
* "Heh" is a trademark of the Instapundit International Sinister Rightwing Consortium.
Update: And I'd forgotten about the other Protein Wisdom post where Jeff says he wouldn't mind seeing someone give O'Reilly a good spanking. Hey, I warned you to avert your eyes!
March 06, 2005
Asymmetrical Information posts on a phenomenon I've been noticing lately: If you're reading Instapundit, you'd think that every protestor in Lebanon is a drop-dead gorgeous female. To wit:
stunning babes, and
Insty is not dumb. Insty knows what he's doing. Sex is the best propaganda. The subliminal suggestion is: Girls say YES to boys who say NO (to Syria). Look at these women! Governments have been overthrown for less. (And you just know a revolutionary girl would be feral in the sack.)
Way to make antitotalitarianism cool, Glenn! Way to make those A.N.S.W.E.R. guys look around at the chicks at their protests and wonder whether they've chosen the wrong side...
Update: LogicalMeme is on the hottie beat too.
Update: Insty denies being a gynocentric propagandist! Post here!
February 23, 2005
Michael Moore porn titles, revisited
Some of you may recall, possibly with an involuntary cringe, the Michael Moore Porn Titles post from a while back. A missive from Confederate Yankee reminded me that I should update the list. Since I first posted, I've realized that several of Moore's titles are porn-worthy just as they are:
("Captain Haddock" had posted "TV/TS Nation" in the comments of the first thread, but I think it's even better just as Moore wrote it)
Pets or Meat
The Big One
.... and his upcoming opus on Big Pharma,
In the original post, I asked for more ideas, and Captain Haddock had another good one up his... uh, up his sleeve:
Will They Ever Thrust in Us Again?
Mick McMick, in the comments, switched the assignment around and changed the titles of classic porn films to suit Moore instead:
I Am Curious: Pinko
Behind the Green Party
Insatiable (Good one, Mick!)
And here are the originals:
Boweling for Columbine
Canadian Makin' Bacon
Dude, Where's My C*nt?
I'll open up the floor to additions one last time, in case this exercise gets anyone's juices flowing.* Add your titles in the comments.
*I meant creative juices, perv!
January 21, 2005
Friday Night Indiscretion: Michael Moore Porn Film Titles
It's Friday night. We've all had a hard week. Some of you are drunk.
What better time to trot out... the Friday Night Indiscretion?
Tonight's ill-considered foray into absurdity:
What if Michael Moore made pornos? What would their titles be?
I've come up with a few:
Boweling for Columbine
Canadian Makin' Bacon
Dude, Where's My C*nt?
I know someone out there can do better. Any ideas? Add them in the comments thread. If I get some good ones, I'll publish a new post next Friday collecting them.
Update: I should have made it clear that these would be films Moore would direct, not star in. I apologize if the image of Moore actually performing in such a movie has caused anyone irreversible psychosexual setbacks.
December 08, 2004
Weird Kinky Sex
Well, the good news is I found out by looking through my referrals that my site is currently 26th of approximately 257,000 that appear when you Google for weird kinky sex. (How did that happen? It's like... it's like Google is reading my mind! I knew it! -- I never should have taken off my tinfoil beanie. Damn thing just got too sweaty...)
The bad news is that Michael Moore's site is 24th on the list. Could some anti-porn activists be hacking Google, inserting dreadful buzzkills to deter porn-seekers? 'Cause that's gotta feel like a bucket of ice water in your lap when you're searching for weird kinky sex.
Unless you're a lot kinkier than I care to imagine.
November 22, 2004
Bangbus (et al) fakes? I'm shocked -- SHOCKED!
spotlights a hilarious item: An expose of "sex in a van" websites.
Turns out the porn makers are -- shock of shocks -- not really driving
around picking up random "hot" girls on the street, paying them for
sex, and dumping them afterwards! My trust in the porn industry is
Now what could have given the sham away? Was it the fact that no sane woman, no matter how promiscuous or broke, would get into a random van and drive away with random strangers who had announced their intention of having sex with her? Or was it the fact that all of these women -- "grad students", most of them -- just happen to have the patented plastic pornstar look, down to pubes shaved into a gross little landing strip? Just by coincidence?
Or perhaps fake breasts, ridiculously styled tiny remnants of body hair, and a fondness for group sex with strangers really are characteristic of a typical "horny, broke student."
Honestly, if you can't trust porn movies to be 100% authentic, what is this world coming to? Oh well. At least I can still put my faith in such stalwart beacons of honesty as the government, Hollywood, and CBS News. I mean, some things are sacred.
November 19, 2004
Bush Dolly: Trampled Underfoot!
Dean Esmay says he's boycotting Canada because a Canadian MP squished a Bush dolly under her boot.
|"I show my power to you, KKKowboy! I crush a little dolly that nominally looks like a teeny, tiny plastic version of you! Ha! Take that, you basket-flaunting, phallocentric, JDAM-hurling oppressor of Islamic women and babies! This is grrrrrrrl power! Tremble before my might, KKKowardly AmeriKKKan fascist!"|
All power to Dean, and I certainly respect his decision. But I
personally found this incident hilarious. So this is what our foreign
allies are reduced to? This is it? This is all you got? Playing with
dollies? We've got the Marines mowing down Zarqawi's men thousands of
miles away, and you've got a child's doll pinned helplessly on the
floor? Bring it, Canuck.
Also... you know, I never intended this blog to be so focused on sexual matters... but am I the only one who wonders whether this MP, Carolyn Parrish, is a Crush or Trampling fetishist? (Yes, there are at least two sex fetishes that focus on women stepping on things. I believe the "trampling" fetish involves stepping on men, and the "crush" fetish involves stepping on objects or small living creatures.) There's just something both laughable and weird-kinky as all-get-out about that photo. The Mrs. Peel boot doesn't hurt either.
I tell ya... those long, cold, winters up there... and they have to wear boots, don't they? I mean, with all the snow and all? I mean, I guess it's only natural that they should learn to express all their emotions with their feet....
Update: The Crusty Curmudgeon notes that the MP in question got sh!tcanned. Apparently she'd been a problem for the Labour party for a while. Such a shame, though; we get Chirac-style hissy fits from just about every "ally" these days, but it's rare to see such a kooky, kinky, key-rayzee, and downright entertaining form of dissent.
Update: Citizen Smash links to an interesting response from a Canadian.
Bellicose women for porn rights!
This quote just slays me:
Some of his middle-age male friends limit their time alone in hotel rooms to avoid the temptation of graphic pay-per-view movies, Brownback said.
The hell....? Why dither around with half-measures? Why not cut off your damn hand instead?
There are so many things wrong with this line of thinking I can't even begin to delve into them in a single post. I'll hit the obvious highlights:
- So Sam Brownback's friends can't control themselves around porn. This should be my problem ... how?
- I agree that porn, and scenes suggestive of porn, should not be on broadcast TV. Unfortunately, for most of these crusaders, that's a Trojan horse designed to open up opportunities to ban sexually explicit material wherever it's found -- and to police the internet.
- I'm hardly the first to say this, but: If I can do it, why shouldn't I be able to watch other consenting adults do it? I've never heard a remotely satisfactory answer to this one.
- Finally: Anything that hardline conservative Christians and hardline leftist feminists agree on is bad fcuking news.
Hey, "It exploits women, and men are beasts" feminists!
Hey, "We've got to curtail everyone's rights... for the sake of the children" conservatives!
I'm about to tell you something that'll make all your heads spin until your brains are flat against your skulls.
I'm female... I support Bush... I consume porn... and I vote! Deal with it, and mess with my First Amendment rights at your peril.
Bush's Bulge Part II: The POTPOTUS of Love
Continued from Part I.
Okay. This is the part where I swear that I am not obsessed with politicians' baskets. Also the part where I mention that I am not in any way sexually attracted to Bush or Cheney. Not that there's anything wrong with that. With those caveats out of the way....
I stumbled on a Village Voice article on the POTPOTUS. (That's my new suggested acronym for the Package of the President of the United States. It's kind of like a pompatus, as I imagine it. You know, the Pompatus of Love?)
Anyway, I figured maybe the happenstance of stumbling on this May 21, 2004 Voice article meant I should update my earlier post. Leave it to the Voice to
lend, well, a weighty heft to this topic. I thought the whole thing was
a larf, but Richard Goldstein sees a sinister plot for bulge-enhancing
photo-ops in the famous "Mission Accomplished" flight suit:
Clearly Bush's handlers want to leave the impression that he's not just courageous and competent but hung. Why is this message important to send? That's a very salient question, if only because it's unlikely to be addressed.
I love this. I just love the exceedingly improbable image of Dubya's handlers fussing and futzing with his jewels, stuffing a sock in his jock, bunching up his 'nads just so, floofing out his crotch-fabric so it catches the light magnificently. "Hold on a sec, Mr. President. I think you're flopping to the left, and heaven knows we don't want that!"
But something about Bush's image seems as artificially enhanced as his crotch. His need to flaunt it can be read as a response to anxiety. If you have to show your balls, maybe it's because you can't take them for granted. That isn't just Bush's problem. If macho seems so tragicomically x-treme these days, it's because many men think masculinity could actually disappear."
X-treme"? D00d! Multiple choice question: The use of "x-treme" for "extreme" here is meant to represent
- Bush's Xtianity?
- The writer's mad skillz at X-Box gamez?
- A subtle invocation of "generation X"?
- The writer's current state: Trippin' his ass off on X?
It's impossible for someone here in Jesusland, Brooklyn, to understand this confounded citified Voice-speak, so the answer must remain a mystery. Moving on, I find it fascinating that Goldstein looks at Bush's basket and sees reflected therein all of the state of manhood in today's changing world. That's some meaningful package there, Richard. (May I call you "Dick"?)
He represents a model that invites female initiative and counsel but not control. This is the Dred Scott compromise of our time, and it's evident in Bush's administration as well as in his marriage to an intelligent woman who knows how to stay three steps behind her husband.
I'm sure Goldstein would say the same thing even today. For the
Bush-haters, Condi Rice as Secretary of State is nothing but another
powerless, shackled yes-woman. (Note the Dred Scott namecheck? Nice touch. Remember, as John Lennon said (or was it Marx?): "Woman is the Nigger of the World.")
Sure, sure, it's all very well that Bush invites "female initiative and
counsel," it makes for feel-good photo-ops, but the folks at the Voice see right through it. (But wait, hold on -- why should Bush "invite female control"? Isn't the President supposed
to be in control? Aren't the Libs constantly distressed because, they say, "Cheney is
pulling the strings" or "Rove is Bush's brain"? Would they feel better
if one of the behind-the-scenes string-pullers were a female? Is that
it? Oh, darn. Liberals are so danged hard to please! If only they'd
just say straight out what they want, instead of making the world
guess! But I digress.)
But Bush also embodies the primal uncertainty many men feel in the face of sexual change. This angst, which threatens to pop up like a sour belch, solidifies his bond with threatened men. They identify with his struggle to carry off the feat of macho, and many women empathize with that effort.
I believe this may have been an early, abortive attempt to pre-emptively create a "why we lost in '04" meme: "The Castration-Fearers all voted for Bush!" (Think back to the "Angry White Men Goaded by Rush Limbaugh" meme that was meant to explain the '94 midterm losses.)
Goldstein goes on to explain why, really, to anyone with any brains and
an eye for more than stuffed crotches, Kerry is the true macho man in
the contest. He concludes with:
Fasten your crotch straps. With luck, we're in for a bumpy ride.
Oh, Dick! I feel all... light-headed. Ooh!
Ain't nothin' goin' on but the Rentboy
Even with the relatively sparse traffic I've had so far on this new blog, I've noticed that many people are clicking through to the "Sex" topic button to see what's there. And alas, there's not much there right now.
I'm not going to be blogging about my own sex life here, entertaining though it might be. But that's not to say I'm not interested in the topic.
So to keep the "Sex" clickers-through happy, I'll throw you guys a juicy link. Check out Rentboy Diaries. It's the blog of a married male prostitute in London whose wife swings too and doesn't mind what he does when she's not busy with him. It's detailed, explicit, thoughtful, and sexy as all get-out. Not much writing cranks my engine, but this comes pretty close.
The sexiest thing about Rentboy is how much he loves women. (Check out the story of how he lost his virginity). What's more, he knows what to do with women. (Hint: His job is at least as much psychology as physicality.) A lot of men could probably stand to learn a few things from a pro like Rentboy. Maybe even women too.
November 14, 2004
Bush's Bulge: A view from a broad
Say Anything finally reveals the oft-discussed photo at the heart of Dickdickgate. Sweet turgid Jeebus! Look at the size of that bunker-buster! Just the thing to further emasculate the already-hurtin' Dems. They should just be grateful the photo wasn't widely publicized before the election. Talk about an October surprise!
I can't resist commenting here on Bush's bulge, the famous cause celebre of the first debates.
Memo to Democratic operatives, bloggers, campaign strategists, and conspiracy kooks:
Had you not considered the effect of your constant harping on Bush's bulge? Did you not realize the subliminal images it called to mind, especially for women? In the morning paper, on the news, on the blogs, in the evening before bed -- for a few days there, it was a Bush's bulge-a-thon. A girl can only take so much before she has to retire to a cold shower (or a hot one). Talk, talk, talk about the man's bulge, and what do you expect a wench to do when she's finally confronted with the man's lever in the voting booth? She's going to pull it, of course.
Good going, Dems. And you wonder why you're losing the female vote.
Now all the administration has to do is periodically give Bush a large, mysterious package to hold, or a big basket to carry. Then we can hear about Bush's huge package this, Bush's giant basket that. Bring it, lefties. Bring it.
Update: More bulge analysis in a new post: Bush's Bulge Part II: The POTPOTUS of Love.
Update: Industrial Waste has more. Including a nice shot of Bush's... well, Bush's other bulge. The one Kos, Atrios, and the others don't talk about. Yowzah.
Update: QandO has the full,
uncut uncropped photo. Good God in heaven, it appears there's a little girl sitting at the Cheney's feet! I'm hoping against hope that the sight has not permanently affected her psychosexual development.
Update: Who Can Really Say? thinks he's found a concrete link between Bush's bulge and Cheney's bulge. (Warning: Not quite as kinky as it sounds, alas. But worth checking out.)