March 06, 2005
Moore grist for the mill: Plump Pundit a Portly Pariah!
McQ of Q and O seems to be having a good time with a recent SF Examiner article by Kathleen Antrim on the decline of Michael Moore's star among the Hollywood left. (McQ titles his post "Moore in eclipse on the Left Coast." He needs to proofread more carefully; clearly he meant to write "Moore CAUSES eclipse on the Left Coast." *rim shot*)
Proof that Moore's in the waning phase: The article starts with fat jokes. Why, the nerve, to criticize a major artist just because he happens to be endowed with abundant avoirdupois!
First, Michael Moore threw his creative weight and his celluloid into defeating President Bush's re-election.
It continues with delicious, hateful gossip from Moore's ex-manager:
[Moore's former manager Douglas] Urbanski feels no compunction in talking about the only client he ever fired. In fact, he fired Moore with a 10-page letter.
"A more dishonest and demented person I have never met," Urbanski wrote me in an e-mail, "and I have known a few! And he is more money obsessed than any I have known, and that's saying a lot."
Urbanski believes that Moore hates America, hates capitalism and hates any normal concept of freedom and democracy.
My goodness! Where on earth does he get that idea?
Many blame him for provoking conservative voters and contributing to John Kerry's defeat in the presidential election. He's become the No. 1 favorite target of leftists.
"In certain [Hollywood] circles he is a shutout," Urbanski said.
I've had mixed reactions to Moore's fall from grace, which I had noticed even before Nov. 3.
My first reaction was:
Thank God, they're finally realizing this guy is nothing but a one-note fake-populist polemecist, pitching his tired schtick only to the faithful (and Osama Bin Laden).
My second reaction was:
Oh, no. They're realizing that their ham-fisted demonizing isn't working at the polls. What if their politics stay the same, but their tactics become more subtle? What if the Nancy Pelosi/Ted Kennedy/Barbara Boxer wing takes over and somehow learns how to hide their message well enough to win elections? God help us all!
My third reaction was:
Hey, they haven't stopped their ham-fisted demonizing at all! They're just doing their usual thing — putting all the blame for their defeat on the shoulders of one person, who will be marked as a pariah. As long as they're focusing on Moore as the problem, they won't change their philosophies or tactics or attitudes. They'll find another champion, another non-beautiful outsider, someone else they can cheer and then exile when the next election doesn't go their way. Just keep focusing on the messengers, Hollywood. Never examine your message. That's it. Keep making EtherPundit a very happy girl.
February 23, 2005
Michael Moore porn titles, revisited
Some of you may recall, possibly with an involuntary cringe, the Michael Moore Porn Titles post from a while back. A missive from Confederate Yankee reminded me that I should update the list. Since I first posted, I've realized that several of Moore's titles are porn-worthy just as they are:
("Captain Haddock" had posted "TV/TS Nation" in the comments of the first thread, but I think it's even better just as Moore wrote it)
Pets or Meat
The Big One
.... and his upcoming opus on Big Pharma,
In the original post, I asked for more ideas, and Captain Haddock had another good one up his... uh, up his sleeve:
Will They Ever Thrust in Us Again?
Mick McMick, in the comments, switched the assignment around and changed the titles of classic porn films to suit Moore instead:
I Am Curious: Pinko
Behind the Green Party
Insatiable (Good one, Mick!)
And here are the originals:
Boweling for Columbine
Canadian Makin' Bacon
Dude, Where's My C*nt?
I'll open up the floor to additions one last time, in case this exercise gets anyone's juices flowing.* Add your titles in the comments.
*I meant creative juices, perv!
January 21, 2005
Friday Night Indiscretion: Michael Moore Porn Film Titles
It's Friday night. We've all had a hard week. Some of you are drunk.
What better time to trot out... the Friday Night Indiscretion?
Tonight's ill-considered foray into absurdity:
What if Michael Moore made pornos? What would their titles be?
I've come up with a few:
Boweling for Columbine
Canadian Makin' Bacon
Dude, Where's My C*nt?
I know someone out there can do better. Any ideas? Add them in the comments thread. If I get some good ones, I'll publish a new post next Friday collecting them.
Update: I should have made it clear that these would be films Moore would direct, not star in. I apologize if the image of Moore actually performing in such a movie has caused anyone irreversible psychosexual setbacks.
January 08, 2005
My job is secure! Thanks, Michael Moore!
I posted earlier about all the good news that seems to be floating around these days. Maybe it's just me. Maybe now that the unrelenting, oppressive Bush-bashing of everyone in my daily life has stopped, my spirits have permanently recovered. Maybe I'm still high from the election. Maybe I've learned not to let the bad stuff get to me so much.
In any case, news like this is just too good to ignore. As you probably know, Michael Moore, the man who loses elections for the Dems even as he wins awards for himself, is making a movie about the pharmaceutical industry. Moorewatch predicts a flop. Me, I'm rubbing my hands together, waiting for Mikey to work his patented magic. You know, that trick he does? Where he sprinkles some legitimate gripes with the pixie dust of conspiracy theories, until everything is all contaminated with the aura of kookitude? And the signal-to-noise ratio renders it nearly impossible to distinguish between sane critique and loony rant? And Mikey's intended victim is protected, as all criticism starts to blend into one annoying, whiny, accusatory buzz? And all critics of Mikey's putative target start to resemble ill-tempered androids programmed with prefab outbursts from the Moonbats-R-Us Talking Points Generator? That magic trick?
Do it again, Mikey! Do to the pharma industry what you did to Dubya! You see, Michael my dear, like so many others, I work in an industry whose health depends on the health of the pharmaceutical industry. (You'd be surprised how many of us there are! And how much we want to stay employed!) And I just know that once you work your many-chinned magic on Big Pharma, my job security will be guaranteed. Just like W's.
Oh, but there's one little thing, Michael. I'm grateful for all you've done, but you're so mean sometimes. You've made at least one little girl cry.
I think you should kiss her tears away and make it all better.
December 08, 2004
Weird Kinky Sex
Well, the good news is I found out by looking through my referrals that my site is currently 26th of approximately 257,000 that appear when you Google for weird kinky sex. (How did that happen? It's like... it's like Google is reading my mind! I knew it! -- I never should have taken off my tinfoil beanie. Damn thing just got too sweaty...)
The bad news is that Michael Moore's site is 24th on the list. Could some anti-porn activists be hacking Google, inserting dreadful buzzkills to deter porn-seekers? 'Cause that's gotta feel like a bucket of ice water in your lap when you're searching for weird kinky sex.
Unless you're a lot kinkier than I care to imagine.
November 29, 2004
Thank you, anonymous Google-searching person
Most of my hits from searches seem to come from the Bangbus post of a week or so ago. It's probably too much to hope that any of the Bangbus searchers stick around to read any of this blog's other content.
But my favorite search to date is this beauty:
Michael + Moore + Loser + And + Liar
Anonymous Google searcher, whoever you are, I hope you found what you were looking for here.
November 14, 2004
Moore's new propaganda masterpiece needs a title. Can YOU help?
KorlaPundit has picked up on my post below about Michael Moore's new project. He's asking for suggestions for names for those new proposed anti-Bush and anti-Blair projects, and he's got some good ones already. Help him out if you're so inclined. I've contributed a few myself.
Hey, anything to help the cause. Go, Mikey, go!
November 13, 2004
Suggested title: "Tony B-LIAR, Prime MONSTER of Great BOUGHT 'N' paid-for."
[whispering] Jesus, thank You so much for Your merciful intervention. I was already starting to worry about the midterm elections. I'm ashamed to even admit that, in the face of all Your bountiful gifts this month. (Thanks for the Arafat thing, by the way. I almost forgot to prostrate myself before You in gratefulness.) But now that Michael Moore is back on the job, I can stop worrying and relax, knowing the Republican majority will grow under Your watchful ministrations. Thank you, Lord.
[whispering even more softly] Oh, and Jesus -- or Buddah, or Yahweh, or Allah, or whatever your name is -- don't tell anyone I'm an atheist. I want the Dems to keep their useful illusions that only "Jesusland" voted for Bush. That really helps us out.
And now that I've had my conversation with whatzisname (or is it whatzername?), I have a question for the truly omnipresent one, Michael Moore himself. (Omnipresent not in the spiritual sense, but because his massive girth seeps uncontrollably into every corner, crevice, and crevasse.)
Mikey, dude, wasn't your next movie going to ream Bush's faithful poodle, Tony Blair? Do you not remember telling Reuters, "Blair knows better. Blair is not an idiot. What is he doing hanging around this guy?"
The British election is looming ever closer. You've never let us down before, Mikey. Better get cracking!
November 07, 2004
Now it can be told: The real mastermind behind Bush's election
It wasn't Karl Rove. Oh, Karl's a crafty one. But he didn't clinch it.
Just for fun, just to keep the post-election euphoria going for another few hours — let's savor the plump, porcine presence of the real Bush re-election mastermind one more time.
Anyone recognize that poor dowdy sack o' misery sandwiched between the peanut farmer and the fat-farm refugee? She's probably still trying to scrub off the loser stink.
Okay, okay. I know I shouldn't be gloating. I know it's wrong. I haven't posted yet about how I've felt living as a deeply closeted libertarianish Bush booster for the last four years in the darkest heart of liberal New York. I haven't told you how profoundly bullied I've felt inside. But I can tell you this: I've been flying since Tuesday. Every other brownstone in my neighborhood still sports a large "We the People say NO to the Bush Agenda" rainbow flag draped across its front. How can I not rejoice (inside, of course, only inside)?
I've been on vacation all week. I could barely stand the Bushitler hubbub at its steady bubbling-under pre-election levels, let alone at its climax. Tomorrow I go back to the office and face the parade of long-faced mourners traipsing through my path. "Tsk," I'll say in a too-resigned-to-really-care-anymore way when my bosses curse the fates, the Fox News Network, and the Diebold Corporation.
Inside, deep inside my closet, I'll laugh just a little. It feels so good, and I owe myself a little relief.
"Heh" is a trademark of the Instapundit International Sinister Rightwing Consortium.
I could have told you, Michael: This world was never meant for one so beautiful as you.
Michael Moore has finally broken his post-election silence with a post on his website. Apparently his followers have more than one thing in common with lemmings; he seems to suspect that they may be on the brink of committing mass suicide.
Ok, it sucks. Really sucks. But before you go and cash it all in, let's, in the words of Monty Python, “always look on the bright side of life!” There IS some good news from Tuesday's election.
He then lists 17 rather forlorn reasons for his followers to continue living. Powerline has enlisted the blogosphere's help in countering these arguments. I’ve read Powerline religiously throughout the election season, so I feel duty-bound to answer the call.
I'm a bit ambivalent about encouraging Moore's followers to go ahead and, "in the words of Monty Python," shuffle off their mortal coil, run down the curtain and join the bleedin' choir invisible. Oh, the Moorians are annoying, it's true, but it's my opinion that Bush couldn't have won the election without the Dems' warm embrace of Moore at their convention and Tom Daschle's literal embrace of Moore may have lost him just enough votes to end the career of everyone's least favorite hatchet-faced obstructionist.
So it is with great regret that I say: Michael, thanks to you and your followers for helping the GOP to victory. But your work here is done, so to counter your "17 reasons not to slit your wrists", I offer you:
- Be honest: Is life worth living under a Bushitler regime? Think of it: The Chimp’s smirking mug leering at you every day for four years… every day… and remember, dying only hurts for a minute. I’m just saying. (Every day! Even on NPR, you’ll hear his voice when they do the news! And on Morning Edition! Even on All Things Considered!)
- No more earnings to be taxed to fund fictitious wars fought by fictitious presidents.
- It'll definitively answer the question: "Bush lied; Who died?"
- It will show solidarity with the poor downtrodden Palestinians, whose highest goal in life has always been suicide in the service of defeating the Zionist war machine.
- If suicide is accomplished with firearms, it will serve to reinforce the thesis of Bowling for Columbine: Those craven Americans sure are obsessed with guns and killing.
- Fuel for several years' worth of moonbat conspiracy theories; doesn't it seem a bit too convenient that Bushitler's sworn enemies should all start killing themselves at once?
- Sudden demand for body bags would further increase petroleum prices, reinforcing the absurdity of Bushitler's war for cheap oil.
- Won't be around to feel the pain when Castro and Arafat depart this earthly plane. (Hurry Arafat's in the departure queue!)
- It's the only way you can crash the Pearly Gates and get that hostile ambush interview with God.
- You can found a new PAC to support the mass suicide: PassOn.org.
- Must die soon, or Dan Rather won't be able to cover your death.
- Help George Soros make back some of the money he lost backing Kerry give him a heads-up before you do it and he can game the dead pools.
- If you work quickly, you'll have time to prepare a place in Hell for the soon-to-arrive hordes of heroic Fallujah "Minutemen."
- You'll be right at home in Hell. It's a blue state.
- Shoo-in to have special montage created to honor you at next year's Cannes, to the tune of a melancholy rendition of "We Shall Overcome."
- You'll still be able to vote, especially in Chicago.
- Two words: President Giuliani.
(A new blog, IgnoreMoore, has countered Moore’s list with a point-by-point Fisking, in the unthinkable event that anyone finds the above list insufficiently persuasive.)