November 07, 2004
I could have told you, Michael: This world was never meant for one so beautiful as you.
Michael Moore has finally broken his post-election silence with a post on his website. Apparently his followers have more than one thing in common with lemmings; he seems to suspect that they may be on the brink of committing mass suicide.
Ok, it sucks. Really sucks. But before you go and cash it all in, let's, in the words of Monty Python, “always look on the bright side of life!” There IS some good news from Tuesday's election.
He then lists 17 rather forlorn reasons for his followers to continue living. Powerline has enlisted the blogosphere's help in countering these arguments. I’ve read Powerline religiously throughout the election season, so I feel duty-bound to answer the call.
I'm a bit ambivalent about encouraging Moore's followers to go ahead and, "in the words of Monty Python," shuffle off their mortal coil, run down the curtain and join the bleedin' choir invisible. Oh, the Moorians are annoying, it's true, but it's my opinion that Bush couldn't have won the election without the Dems' warm embrace of Moore at their convention and Tom Daschle's literal embrace of Moore may have lost him just enough votes to end the career of everyone's least favorite hatchet-faced obstructionist.
So it is with great regret that I say: Michael, thanks to you and your followers for helping the GOP to victory. But your work here is done, so to counter your "17 reasons not to slit your wrists", I offer you:
- Be honest: Is life worth living under a Bushitler regime? Think of it: The Chimp’s smirking mug leering at you every day for four years… every day… and remember, dying only hurts for a minute. I’m just saying. (Every day! Even on NPR, you’ll hear his voice when they do the news! And on Morning Edition! Even on All Things Considered!)
- No more earnings to be taxed to fund fictitious wars fought by fictitious presidents.
- It'll definitively answer the question: "Bush lied; Who died?"
- It will show solidarity with the poor downtrodden Palestinians, whose highest goal in life has always been suicide in the service of defeating the Zionist war machine.
- If suicide is accomplished with firearms, it will serve to reinforce the thesis of Bowling for Columbine: Those craven Americans sure are obsessed with guns and killing.
- Fuel for several years' worth of moonbat conspiracy theories; doesn't it seem a bit too convenient that Bushitler's sworn enemies should all start killing themselves at once?
- Sudden demand for body bags would further increase petroleum prices, reinforcing the absurdity of Bushitler's war for cheap oil.
- Won't be around to feel the pain when Castro and Arafat depart this earthly plane. (Hurry Arafat's in the departure queue!)
- It's the only way you can crash the Pearly Gates and get that hostile ambush interview with God.
- You can found a new PAC to support the mass suicide: PassOn.org.
- Must die soon, or Dan Rather won't be able to cover your death.
- Help George Soros make back some of the money he lost backing Kerry give him a heads-up before you do it and he can game the dead pools.
- If you work quickly, you'll have time to prepare a place in Hell for the soon-to-arrive hordes of heroic Fallujah "Minutemen."
- You'll be right at home in Hell. It's a blue state.
- Shoo-in to have special montage created to honor you at next year's Cannes, to the tune of a melancholy rendition of "We Shall Overcome."
- You'll still be able to vote, especially in Chicago.
- Two words: President Giuliani.
(A new blog, IgnoreMoore, has countered Moore’s list with a point-by-point Fisking, in the unthinkable event that anyone finds the above list insufficiently persuasive.)
These are excellent reasons Michael Moore and his MoveOn Morons should take the plunge. I can't see a single objection they could possibly raise. But it leaves open an important question: how should Michael Moore do the deed?
With that thick hide, it's not that easy. Here are a few suggestions:
- Approach a mooring mast in a lightning storm. Make sure excitable reporters are around.
- Get Steve McQueen to spray you with CO2 and ship you to the North Pole.
- Implode into a singularity.
- Tighten that baseball cap on your cranium by one more notch. That should do it.
- Go to Africa, wear a gray jumpsuit and wave to poachers.
- Roll onto your head, so it smushes down into your roly-poly torso, suffocating you.
- Dress up as the local Republican headquarters.
- Call Dick Cheney's daughter a lesbian, but to her face.
- Visit the hog farm on slaughter day.
Posted by: Korla Pundit at November 8, 2004 10:24 PM
Dang, Korla! I just saw "Team America," and I must say they thought up a fitting demise for ol' Mikey. But you've really hit on some great stuff here. Especially the Steve McQueen method. I was afraid I was the only one who heard the theme from "The Blob" everytime I saw the Moore Man-Mountain.
Posted by: EtherPundit at November 9, 2004 12:16 AM
- Go to Fallujah and sign up as a Freedom Fighter.
Posted by: Korla Pundit at November 15, 2004 01:04 PM
That's the prfeect insight in a thread like this.
Posted by: Clara at September 28, 2012 06:36 PM